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 Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough)

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough)   Thu Jul 30, 2009 9:54 pm

Chris Rock: Guys, have you ever been with your lady in bed and you both talkin' dirty then you say somethin' that got you kicked out of bed.
Where the woman's like "Fuck me! Harder, harder, harder! Fuck me daddy! Fuck me! Fuck me! Spank me! Fuck me!"
"Alright, ya little whore!"
"Who're you callin' a whore? Who da fuck are you callin' a whore? Untie me!"

lol!
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough)   Thu Jul 30, 2009 9:57 pm

Chris Rock: A bunch of girls think that you don't need no man to raise no child... shut the fuck up with the bullshit! Yeah, you can do it without a man, but it don't mean it's to be done! Shit! You can drive a car with your feet if you want to; it don't mean its a good fucking idea!

Chris Rock: The government curing AIDS? That's like Cadillac making a car that last for fifty years... and you know th
ey can do it! But they ain't gonna do something that fucking dumb! Shit! They got metal on the space shuttle that can go around the moon and withstand temperatures up to 20,000 degrees. You mean to tell me you don't think they can make an El Dorado where the fucking bumper don't fall off?

Everybody is talking about gun control. Got to control the guns. Fuck, that, I like guns. No, I think we need some bullet control. I think every bullet should cost five thousand dollars. Five thousand dollars for a bullet. Know why? Cos if a bullet cost five thousand dollars, there'd be no more innocent by-standers. That'd be it. Some guy'd be shot you'd be all 'Damn, he must've done something, he's got fifty thousand dollars worth of bullets in his ass!' And people'd think before they shot someone 'Man I will blow your fucking head off, if I could afford it. I'm gonna get me a second job, start saving up, and you a dead man. You'd better hope I don't get no bullets on lay-away!' And even if you get shot you wouldn't need to go to the emergency room. Whoever shot you'd take their bullet back. 'I believe you got my property?'
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough)   Thu Jul 30, 2009 9:59 pm

Back To George Carlin


George Carlin: You know something people don't talk about in public anymore? Pussy farts. Now I said this on my last HBO show, and apparently some people don't know what a pussy fart is, because I got some inquiries. A pussy fart is when a woman has a little extra air inside of her vagina, and when you thrust forward, it's kind of a...
[makes a whole bunch of nasty fart noises]
George Carlin: And the two of you are lying there, each wondering if the other one farted, and the guy is usually thinking, "Maybe she farts when she cums. Maybe she took a shit. God, I better stay out of that fuckin' bar."

George Carlin: Do you realise, that right this second, right now somewhere around the world some guy is getting ready to kill himself. Isn't that great? Statistics show that every year a million people commit suicide. Thats 2800 a day. That's one every thirty seconds.
[Stares at watch]
George Carlin: There goes another guy! And I say guy because men are four times more likely than women to commit suicide, even though women attempt it more. So men are better at it. That's something else you gals oughta be working on. Well if you wanna be truly equal you're gonna have to start taking your lifes in greater numbers.

George Carlin: You wanna hear a really cool torture that the Romans invented? They also used it as a form of capital punishment, it's *really* creative. They would take the guy in question, stuff him in a burlap sack, seal the sack up real tight and throw it in the river. But, and here's the creative part, inside the sack, with the guy, they would put a dog, a monkey, and a snake. Okay? A dog, a monkey, and a snake. That's fucking creative! Imagine being inside a burlap sack, underwater, in the dark, sitting next to a drowning monkey. Think he'd be moving around a little bit? The dog would be going apeshit, we know that. And the snake? Well, he'd probably be getting curious about what all the activity was inside the sack. He might do anything. Whatever he did would probably involve venom and his teeth. You know what you'd be doing? You'd be praying to God that the snake bit the monkey and the dog ate the snake. Praying.
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough)   Thu Jul 30, 2009 10:06 pm

George Carlin: And I distinguish between maniacs and crazy people. A maniac will beat nine people to death with a steel dildo. A crazy person will beat nine people to death with a steel dildo, but he'll be wearing a Bugs Bunny suit at the time.

[about the phrase "children are our future"]
George Carlin: Children are not our future, and I can prove it with my usual, flawless logic.
George Carlin: Children can't be our future, because by the time the future arrives, they won't be children anymore, so BLOW ME!

George Carlin: You remember my neighbor with the burns on 90 percent of her body? Well, she burned the other 10 percent now. She was lighting a fart and her bush caught fire! lol!

[about the benefits of getting older]
George Carlin: The first one is, you never have to carry anything heavy ever again.
George Carlin: Everybody wants to help an old fuck. If you've got a big suitcase, or something like that, you know, you just kind of go like this a little bit...
George Carlin: And you say "Yeah, can you help me with this?" They say "Yeah, hey, how far are you going?"
"Indianapolis."

George Carlin: Fuck Dr Phil. Dr Phil told me to express my feelings, so I'm expressing them.
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough)   Thu Jul 30, 2009 10:13 pm

George Carlin: Don't you think it's just a little bit strange that Ronald Reagan had an operation on his asshole, and George Bush had an operation on his middle finger?

[On people who think rape isn't funny]
George Carlin: I say fuck you! I think it's hillarious, how do you like that? I can PROVE to you that rape is funny! Picture Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd! rofl

(on Feminists)
George Carlin: When it comes to changing the language, I think they make some good points. Because we do think in language. And so the quality of our thoughts and ideas can only be as good as the quality of our language. So maybe some of this patriarchal shit ought to go away. I think "spokesman" ought to be "spokesperson." I think "chairman" ought to be "chairperson." I think "mankind" ought to be "humankind." But they take it too far, they take themselves too seriously, they exaggerate. They want me to call that thing in the street a "personhole cover." I think that's taking it a little bit too far!
George Carlin: What would you call a ladies' man, a "person's person"? That would make a he-man an "it-person." Little kids would be afraid of the "boogie-person." They'd look up in the sky and see the "person in the moon." Guys would say "come back here and fight like a person," and we'd all sing "For It's a Jolly Good Person," that's the kind of thing you would hear on "Late Night with David Letterperson"!

(David Letterman is a comedian and talk-show host tongue)
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough)   Thu Jul 30, 2009 10:18 pm

George Carlin: People I can do without. This is my list: guys in their fifties named "Skip." Anyone who pays for vaginal jelly with an Exxon credit card. An airline pilot who has on two different shoes. A proctologist with poor depth perception. A pimp who drives a Toyota Corolla. A gynecologist who wants my wife to have three or four drinks before the examination. Guys with a lot of small pins on their hats. Anyone who mentions Jesus more than three hundred times in a two-minute conversation. A dentist with blood in his hair. Any woman whose hobby is breast-feeding zoo animals. A funeral director who says "Hope to see you folks again real soon!" Girls who get drunk and throw up at breakfast. A man with only one lip. A Boy Scout master who owns a dildo shop. People who actually know the second verse to "The Star-Spangled Banner." Any lawyer who refers to the police as the "Federalies." A cross-eyed nun with a bullwhip and a bottle of gin! A brain surgeon with "Born to Lose" tattooed on his hands. Couples whose children's names all start with the same initials. A man in a hospital gown directing traffic. A waitress with a visible infection on her serving hand. People who have large gums and small teeth. Guys who wear the same underwear until it begins to cut off the circulation to their feet. And any man whose arm hair completely covers his wristwatch. All right, that's enough of that.

George Carlin: Here's another little practical joke for the driver. When you're going through the tollbooth.
[pause]
George Carlin: Well, not actually *through* the booth itself. That would be a BIG practical joke!
George Carlin: I mean when you're going through the little space in between the booths; when you get up the window and the man sticks out his hand, bargain with him!
George Carlin: Try to get yourself a better deal. Tell him you heard it was "Free Chevrolet Day".
George Carlin: Tell him it's a used road and you're looking for a discount!
George Carlin: Tell him you have no money, you spent it all on pussy and beer.
George Carlin: That'll wake him up; especially if you're a woman!
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough)   Thu Jul 30, 2009 11:17 pm

rofl
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough)   Fri Jul 31, 2009 12:49 pm

Question. Why are scientists having trouble finding a cure for AIDS?

Answer. They can't get the mice to butt-fuck.
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough)   Fri Jul 31, 2009 5:19 pm

Excellent thumbsup laugh
Specially the pussy fart and the driver one :happy:
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough)   Sat Aug 01, 2009 12:21 am

Vishal16 wrote:
Excellent thumbsup laugh
Specially the pussy fart and the driver one :happy:

cheers
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough)   Sat Aug 01, 2009 12:59 am

Chris Rock : If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Chris Rock : “Never go to clubs with metal detectors. Sure it feels safe inside. But what about all those niggas waiting outside with guns? They know you ain't got one.”

Chris Rock : “You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon.' Need I say more?”
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough)   Sat Aug 01, 2009 1:03 am

CR : “Much like rock 'n' roll, school shootings were invented by the black man and stolen by the whites,”
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough)   Sat Aug 01, 2009 1:10 am

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
Woody Allen
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough)   Sat Aug 01, 2009 1:14 am

Years ago, my mother gave me a bullet...a bullet, and I put it in my breast pocket. Two years after that, I was walking down the street, when a berserk evangelist heaved a Gideon bible out a hotel room window, hitting me in the chest. Bible would have gone through my heart if it wasn't for the bullet.

Woody Allen

lol!
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough)   Sat Aug 01, 2009 1:15 am

Listen to this. I was watching one night the Ed Sullivan Show, and Sullivan had on a hypnotist called The Great Renaldo. And Renaldo got four guys up of the audience, and he hypnotized them, and he said to them "You think you are a fireengine". And I'm home watching and I get drowsy and I fall asleep. And I wake up an hour later, I turn the set off, and suddenly I am seized with an uncontrolable impulse to dress up in my red flanel underwear. Which I do, and I'm looking at myself in the mirror. Suddenly the phone rings, I burst out the front door and start running down Fifth Avenue fast, making a sirene noise. At Fourteenth Street I hid a guy at an intersection, who was also wearing red flanel underwear. We decided to work as one truck. We start running down to the Village. Suddenly two guys in red flanel underwear pass us running uptown. We figured, they must know where the fire is. We turned and followed. At Eightysixth Street a cop flaggs us down, 'cause there is four guys in red flanel underwear running in the street. He said "You'er coming down to headquarters, get into the car." I start giggling hysterically, 'cause this jerk is trying to get a fireengine into a lousy little chevy. And down at the station there is hundreds of guys in red flanel underwear.

Woody Allen

Brilliant man, Woody! cool
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough)   Sat Aug 01, 2009 1:16 am

I shot a moose, once. I was hunting up-state New York, and I shot a moose, and I strap him on to the fender of my car, and I'm driving home along the west side highway, but what I didn't realize was, that the bullet did not penetrate the moose. It just creased the scalp, knocking him unconscious. And I'm driving through the Holland tunnel - the moose woke up. So I'm driving with a live moose on my fender. The moose is signaling for a turn, y'know. There's a law in New York state against driving with a conscious moose on your fender, tuesday, thursday and saturday. And I'm very panicky, and then it hits me: some friends of mine is having a costume party. I'll go, I'll take the moose, I'll ditch him at the party. It wouldn't be my responsibillity.

So I drive up to the party and I knock on the door. The moose is next to me. My host comes to the door. I say "Hello. You know the Solomons". We enter. The moose mingles. Did very well. Scored. Two guys were trying to sell him insurance for an hour and a half. Twelve o'clock comes - they give out prices for the best costume of the night. First price goes to the Burcowiches, a maried couple dressed as a moose. The moose comes in second. The moose is furious. He and the Burcowiches lock antlers in the living room. They knock each other unconscious. Now, I figured, is my chance. I grab the moose, strap him onto my fender, and shoot back to the roads, but - I got the Burcowiches. So I'm driving along with two jewish people on my fender, and there's a law in New York State ... tuesdays, thursdays and especially saturday.

Woody Allen
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough)   Sat Aug 01, 2009 1:17 am

I was kidnapped once. I was standing in front of my schoolyard, and a black sedan pulls up. And two guys get out, and they say to me, do I wanna go away with them to a land, where everybody is fairies and elves, and I can have all the comic books I want and chocolate and wax lips, you know. And I said "yes", y'know, and I got into the car with them, 'cause I figured, y'know, "What the hell", I was home that week-end from college anyhow, y'know. They drive me off, and they sent a ransom note to my parents. And my father has bad reading habits, so he gets into bed at night with the ransom note, and he read half of it, y'know, and he got drowsy and fell asleep, then he lent it out, y'know.

Meanwhile they take me to New Jersey, bound and gagged, and my parents finally realize that I'm kidnapped. They snap into action immediately: they rent out my room. The ransom note says for my father to leave a thousand dollars in a hollow tree in New Jersey. He has no trouble raising the thousand dollars, but he gets a hernia carrying the hollow tree.

The FBI surround the house, "Throw the kid out,", they say, "give us your guns, and come out with your hands up."
The kidnappers say "We'll throw the kid out, but let us keep our guns, and get to our car."
The FBI says "Throw the kid out, we'll let you get to your car, but give us your guns."
The kidnappers say "We'll throw the kid out, but let us keep our guns - we don't have to get to our car."
The FBI says "Keep the kid."

The FBI decides to lob in teargas, but they don't have teargas, so several of the agents put on the death scene from Camellia. Tearstricken my abducters give themselves up. They are sentenced to fifteen years on a chaingang, and they escape, twelve of then chained together at the ankle, getting by the guards posing as an immense charm bracelet.

Woody Allen

lol!
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough)   Sat Aug 01, 2009 1:18 am

This is the BEST from Woody Allen

I had once a pain in the chestal area. Now, I was sure it was heartburn, y'know, 'cause at that time I was married and my wife cooking with her nazi recipies, y'know, chicken Himmler. I didn't wanna pay twentyfive bucks to have it reaffirmed by some medic, that I had heartburn. But I was worried 'cause it was in the chestal area. Then it turns out my friend, Eggs Benedict, has a pain in his chestal area, in the same exact spot. I figured if I could get Eggs to go to the doctor, I could figure out what was wrong with me, at no charge, so I con Eggs. He goes. Turns out he's got heartburn. Cost him twentyfive dollars, and I feel great, 'cause I figured I beat the medic out of twentyfive big ones, y'know. Called up Eggs two days later - he died. I check into a hospital immediately, have a battery of test run and x-rays. Turns out I got heartburn. Cost me a hundred and ten dollars. Now I'm furious. I run to Eggs' mother, and I say: "Did he suffer much?" And she said: "No, it was quick. Car hit him and that was it."
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough)   Sun Aug 02, 2009 1:46 pm

rofl thumbsup
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough)   Thu Aug 20, 2009 7:57 pm

Presenting
excerpts from
George Carlin's
Jammin' In New York!




Anorexics!



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PostSubject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough)   Thu Aug 20, 2009 8:16 pm

Presenting
excerpts from
George Carlin's
Life Is Worth Losing




A Modern Man





Three Little Words



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PostSubject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough)   Thu Aug 20, 2009 8:59 pm

Presenting
excerpts from
George Carlin's
Complaints and Grievances




People Who Oughta Be Killed!





Parents of Honour Students





Baby Slings





Ma'Daddy





Telephone Mimes





Answering Machines





Singers With One Name





Family Newsletter





Why We Don't Need The Ten Commandments!






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PostSubject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough)   Fri Aug 21, 2009 12:18 am

Do I need to go through all of these? rolleyes
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough)   Fri Aug 21, 2009 12:24 am

Upto You. whistling
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough)   Fri Aug 21, 2009 12:25 am

Navpreet wrote:
Upto You. whistling


Okay.....I'll go through ALL of them biggrin
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough)   Fri Aug 21, 2009 4:13 pm

thumbsup
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough)   Fri Aug 21, 2009 5:39 pm

Vishal16 wrote:
thumbsup

That's for me isn't it? 👅
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough)   Fri Aug 21, 2009 7:03 pm

Nope mellow
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough)   Sun Aug 23, 2009 5:02 pm

A farmer rears twenty-five young hens and one old cock. As he feels that the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer bought one young cock from the market.


Old cock to Young cock : "Welcome to join me, we will work together towards productivity.


Young cock : What you mean? As far as I know, you are old and should be retired.


Old cock : Young boy, there are twenty-five hens here, can't I help you with some?


Young cock : No! Not even one, all of them will be mine.


Old cock : In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition and if I win you shall allow me to have one hen and if I lose you will have all.


Young cock :

O.K. What kind of competition?


Old cock: 50 meter run. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 meters.


Young cock : No problem! We will compete tomorrow morning.


Confidently, the following morning, the Young cock allows the Old cock to start off and when the Old cock crosses the 10 meters mark the Young cock chases him with all his might.


Soon enough, he was behind the Old cock back in a matter of seconds..


Suddenly, Bang! before he could overtake the old cock, he was shot dead by the farmer, who cursed, "Hell ! This is the fifth GAY chicken I've bought this week !"
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough)   Thu Oct 01, 2009 9:52 pm

Chris Rock : Black Men love white women. Especially fat white women. A brother will drop-kick Keira Knightley to get to Rosie O'Donnell. Yeah there's a gut, but there's some good pussy under that gut. But black women get pissed the fuck off when they see a white woman with a black man, especially if the white girl is with a famous white man. For example, if a sister sees Denzel Washington with a whte girl, they start shaking.. "WTF you doing with Denzel, bitch!"...The reason black women are pissed off by some interracial dating is coz they are not attracted to white men!! Don't get me wrong, they will fuck a pretty white boy - Matthew McConnaughey, Brad Pitt, George Clooney - they'd give a Beckham a pussy - yes.. But there ain't a single black woman in the world trying to fuck George from Seinfeld... lol!
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