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 Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough)

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Navpreet
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough)   Sun Feb 21, 2010 3:46 pm

And, of course, the funniest food: "kumquats". I don't even bring them home. I sit there laughing and they go to waste.


It's a great country, but it's a strange culture. ... This has got to be the only country in the world that could ever come up with a disease like bulimia; gotta be the only country in the world where some people have no food at all, and other people eat a nourishing meal and puke it up intentionally. This is a country where tobacco kills four hundred thousand people a year, so they ban artificial sweeteners! Because a rat died! You know what I mean? This is a place where gun store owners are given a list of stolen credit cards, but not a list of criminals and maniacs! And now, they're thinking about banning toy guns - and they're gonna keep the fucking real ones!


But you know, the longer you listen to this abortion debate, the more you hear this phrase "sanctity of life." You've heard that, "sanctity of life." You believe in it? Personally, I think it's a bunch of shit. Well, I mean, life is sacred? Who said so? God? Hey, if you read history, you realize that God is one of the leading causes of death— has been for thousands of years. Hindus, Muslims, Jews, Christians, all taking turns killing each other because God told them it was a good idea. The sword of God, the blood of the lamb, vengeance is mine, millions of dead motherfuckers, all because they gave the wrong answer to the God question:
"Do you believe in God?"
"No."
Boom! Dead.
"Do you believe in God?"
"Yes..."
"Do you believe in my God?"
"No."
Boom! Dead.
"My god has a bigger dick than your god!" (Just a Quote - No Offense to anyone here)


"Happens to be." "He happens to be black." Like it's a fucking accident, you know. He happens to be black? Yes, he happens to be black. Ah, yes, yes, yes. He had two black parents? Oh, yes, that's right, two black parents. And they fucked? Oh, indeed they did. So where does the surprise part come in? I would think it would be more unusual if he just "happened" to be Scandinavian!
No one is "openly" black. Well, maybe James Brown. Or Louis Farrakhan. Louis Farrakhan is openly black. Colin Powell is not openly black. Colin Powell is openly white. He just "happens to be" black.


You know the best thing about necrophilia? You don't have to bring flowers. Yeah... Usually, they're already there.


I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.


I don't understand why prostitution is illegal. Selling is legal. Fucking is legal. Why isn't selling fucking legal? You know, why should it be illegal to sell something that's perfectly legal to give away? I can't follow the logic on that one at all! Of all the things you can do, giving someone an orgasm is hardly the worst thing in the world. In the army they give you a medal for spraying napalm on people! In civilian life you go to jail for giving someone an orgasm!
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough)   Sun Feb 21, 2010 4:59 pm

Too big doh
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough)   Sun Feb 21, 2010 5:11 pm

saithereddevil wrote:
Too big doh

They are MANY Jokes. Not Just One. :|
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough)   Sun Feb 21, 2010 5:22 pm

Oh tongue
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough)   Sun Feb 21, 2010 6:29 pm

Should we rename this to The Gay Lord Carling Thread?
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough)   Sun Feb 21, 2010 6:30 pm

^ lol
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough)   Sun Feb 21, 2010 9:31 pm

Rahul wrote:
Should we rename this to The Gay Lord Carling Thread?

No
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough)   Sun Feb 21, 2010 10:01 pm

Yes biggrin
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough)   Sun Feb 21, 2010 10:56 pm

Rahul wrote:
Should we rename this to The Gay Lord Carling Thread?

fyou
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough)   Sun Feb 21, 2010 10:59 pm

Navpreet wrote:
Rahul wrote:
Should we rename this to The Gay Lord Carling Thread?

fyou

rofl
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough)   Sun Feb 21, 2010 11:00 pm

Rahul wrote:
rofl rofl rofl rofl
Post more......more.......

That's why I am posting them here, OK? whistling
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough)   Sun Feb 21, 2010 11:10 pm

fyou ==> Suman biggrin
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough)   Sat Feb 27, 2010 8:25 pm

The major calendars disagree by thousands of years. To the Chinese, this is 4699; the Hebrews think it's 5762; the Muslims swear it's 1422. No telling what the Mayans and Aztecs would say if they were still around. I guess their time ran out.
Remember, folks, these are calendars we're talking about, instruments specifically designed to keep track of time. And they'll all different. And they're not off by a couple of weeks, this is thousands of goddamn years we're talking about. How did this happen?
Our current (Georgian) calendar is such an amuature show that every four years we have to cram in an extra day just to make the whole things work. We call it February 29. Personally, I don't believe it. Deep down, I know it's really March 1. I mean it just feels like March 1, doesn't it?
But even that simple quadrennial adjustment doesn't fix things, so every 100 years we suspend that rule and dispense with the extra day. Unless, of course, the year is divisible by 400, in which case we suspend the suspension and add the extra day. But that's still not quite enough, so every 4000 years we suspend that rule to, and back comes February 29!
Here's how we got into this sorry state: The Julian calendar was introduced in 46B.C., the Roman year 709, but it was off by eleven minutes a year, so by 1582 there was an accumulated error of ten days. Accordingly, that year Pope Gregory XIII decreed that the day following October 4 would be called October 15. They just skipped ten days. Threw them out. Officially, in 1582, no one was born in France, Italy, Spain or Portugal during the period of October 5 through October 14. Weird, huh?
But even weirder, Britain didn't adopt the Gregorian calendar till 1752, where they dropped 11 days out of September. Since this also applied to the American colonies, officially, no one was born here from September 3 through September 13, 1752. Except Indians. By the way, during that same year New Year's Day was moved from March 25 to January 1. That was it had been handled before, for example that was March 24, 1750, would be followed by March 25, 1751. Pretty fucked up, huh? And you thought that big millennium party you went to was being held right on time.
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough)   Sat Feb 27, 2010 8:48 pm

rofl
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough)   Sat Feb 27, 2010 8:51 pm

Navpreet wrote:
Rahul wrote:
rofl rofl rofl rofl
Post more......more.......

That's why I am posting them here, OK? whistling

I never told you not to post, did I?

This is more of a Gay Lord Carling thread than a joke thread. Other people joke too tongue
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough)   Mon Mar 01, 2010 1:39 pm

Joey: Rach, you gotta find out if he's in the same place you are. Otherwise, it's just a moo point.
Rachel: A moo point?
Joey: Yeah. It's like a cow's opinion. It just doesn't matter. It's moo.
Rachel: Have I been living with him too long or did that all just make sense?
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough)   Mon Mar 01, 2010 1:54 pm

[talking about Ralph Lauren]
Joey: I hate his underwear. one time I brought a pair marked XS and let me tell you there's no room for anything excess in there.

rofl
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough)   Mon Mar 01, 2010 2:32 pm

rofl'
There are loads of funny things among Friends and Seinfeld and Simpsons
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough)   Mon Mar 01, 2010 3:20 pm

rofl
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough)   Mon Mar 01, 2010 6:56 pm

Navpreet wrote:
rofl'
There are loads of funny things among Friends and Seinfeld and Simpsons

True
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough)   Tue Mar 02, 2010 3:24 pm

"I don't like euphamisms. Americans Love Euphamisms. You know, stuff like when a guy goes completely berserk and destroys public property, they say, "That guy went ape-shit! He went ape-shit! Holy God, He was ape-shit!". Or else, they say, "That guy is bananbas! He went bananas! TOtally bananas"... Bananas is ape-shit man, think about it!"
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough)   Sat Mar 13, 2010 2:22 pm

Hey, anyone on here heard the no and me neither joke?
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough)   Sat Mar 13, 2010 4:23 pm

Nope
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough)   Sat Mar 13, 2010 4:55 pm

Me Neither. shifty

pwnd
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough)   Sat Mar 13, 2010 7:29 pm

biggrin
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough)   Sat Mar 13, 2010 7:34 pm

What me neither joke? From Friends?
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough)   Sat Mar 13, 2010 8:12 pm

^ you didnt get it? lol
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough)   Sat Mar 13, 2010 8:27 pm

Didn't get what? :|
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough)   Sat Mar 13, 2010 8:36 pm

Read it again
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes - A Place to Laugh (if the Jokes are good enough)   Sat Mar 13, 2010 8:38 pm

4get!!!
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